10 days after
Even though i never saw my baby, not even in the fetus form after he was taken out from me but believe me, i have already formed a bond with my baby in those 2 short weeks. I have felt the special connection from the moment Dr. N delivered me the news.
Then, all the excitement came to an abrupt end on 06.10.09.
Shock & denial. Guilt & anger. Depressed & despair.
I still could not answer the "WHY" question. And it may never be answered. Why me? Is it purely a test from Allah? Is it a punishment of all the wrong things that I have done before? How am I supposed to face my supposed to be baby arrival due date? And lots more.
I know husband is grieving too but he always had harder time expressing his feeling. Or maybe he's bottle up his emotions in an effort to be strong for me? Only he & Allah know. But at least we do not shut each other out. At least I still able to express my feeling to him.
Writing this doesn't mean that I blame anyone, far more blaming the fate from Allah but I'm trying to find a pure acceptance towards my loss in order to heal and move ahead. Please do not get me wrong.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Repeat dnc
Atas sebab2 yang saya sendiri tak faham, saya perlu menghadapi dnc buat kali kedua. Selepas sakit yang amat sangat, masuk ke ER lagi sekali, warded lagi sekali, berpuasa lebih dari 20jam akhirnya selesai. Apalah malangnya nasib saya, sudahlah melayang RM3.5K di atas kecuaian doctor.
Hari ini, iaitu sehari selepas.. keadaan bukanlah seperti normal tapi i think inilah apa yang sepatutnya semua post-dnc patient selalu face. Sedikit tak selesa di sana sini tapi manageable. Wallahualam.
Meanwhile, rindu pada anak menebal.. paling terasa apabila bangkit dari tidur.
Hari ini, iaitu sehari selepas.. keadaan bukanlah seperti normal tapi i think inilah apa yang sepatutnya semua post-dnc patient selalu face. Sedikit tak selesa di sana sini tapi manageable. Wallahualam.
Meanwhile, rindu pada anak menebal.. paling terasa apabila bangkit dari tidur.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Selamat tinggal (07.10.09)
dnc (dilatation and curettage) procedure dijalankan. Ini bermakna baby's body was taken out from my body. Ini bermakna jasad kami berpisah secara rasminya. Selamat tinggal Imran Firdaus. Mohon Allah memberikan saya kekuatan untuk hari2 mendatang.
Unwanted News (06.10.09)
Heavy bleeding yang berterusan. Kami berkejar ke ER dan dari ER di hantar ke klinik Dr. N. Apa yang saya paling takuti berlaku. Bayi kami telah meninggalkan. Hati saya tersentap. Berbagai persoalan timbul; di manakah silap saya? adakah saya bergerak terlalu banyak? atau adakah kami lambat ke hospital?
Dr. N tried to consoled me with lots of scientific facts like baby abnormality etc tapi tidak membantu dalam keadaan macam ni.
Husband tried to keep himself calm tapi saya berjuang seharian untuk meredhakan diri dengan pemergian anak kami. Terbayang2 degupan jantung baby yang baru saya lihat seminggu lepas. Maha Besar Allah.
Dr. N tried to consoled me with lots of scientific facts like baby abnormality etc tapi tidak membantu dalam keadaan macam ni.
Husband tried to keep himself calm tapi saya berjuang seharian untuk meredhakan diri dengan pemergian anak kami. Terbayang2 degupan jantung baby yang baru saya lihat seminggu lepas. Maha Besar Allah.
Beberapa hari selepas (29.09.09)
Been warded akibat dari heavy bleeding reoccured. Stay di hospital selama 3 hari sebelum di benarkan balik.
Dr. N menyambung MC saya selama sebulan lagi & di atas nasihat Dr. N, saya akan memohon unpaid leave sehingga akhir dec nanti
Dr. N menyambung MC saya selama sebulan lagi & di atas nasihat Dr. N, saya akan memohon unpaid leave sehingga akhir dec nanti
Permulaan (25.09.09)
Appointment dengan Dr. N (gynae baru saya)
Dr N: Awak tak suspect apa2 yang awak pregnant?
Saya: [tergamam sesaat sebelum rasa overwhelming yang sesangat. Inilah berita yang kami tunggu2 sekian lama, cuma kali ini kami tak aware petanda2nya]
Dr N: Awak pregnant. Kiraan saiz janin tunjuk usia bayi 7 minggu
Saya: [ that was the most beautiful moment in life; berpeluang melihat heartbeat bayi]
Itu permulaan segalanya. Beberapa facts yang di bincang bersama Dr. N hari tu
# Baby was heartbeat clearly seen. Means he/she was in good condition
# BUT since my uterus was fully filled with blood clots (which was the initial reason why i had appointment with Dr. N), baby chances is 50-50. Risau memikirkan ini, sementelah lagi kami banyak travel dalam masa seminggu ni
# Given a week MC and was ordered to stay at home/bedrest which i followed religously
# Baby birthdate shall be on 13.05.10. No 13 adalah terbalik dari tarikh wedding annivesary kami (31.05)
Next
# Called husband. Dia pun tergamam tapi delighted with the news
# Since husband temporarily berada di luar KL, saya tinggal di rumah kawan rapat sehingga keesokannya sebelum husband pulang. Thanks to cik kentang
Dr N: Awak tak suspect apa2 yang awak pregnant?
Saya: [tergamam sesaat sebelum rasa overwhelming yang sesangat. Inilah berita yang kami tunggu2 sekian lama, cuma kali ini kami tak aware petanda2nya]
Dr N: Awak pregnant. Kiraan saiz janin tunjuk usia bayi 7 minggu
Saya: [ that was the most beautiful moment in life; berpeluang melihat heartbeat bayi]
Itu permulaan segalanya. Beberapa facts yang di bincang bersama Dr. N hari tu
# Baby was heartbeat clearly seen. Means he/she was in good condition
# BUT since my uterus was fully filled with blood clots (which was the initial reason why i had appointment with Dr. N), baby chances is 50-50. Risau memikirkan ini, sementelah lagi kami banyak travel dalam masa seminggu ni
# Given a week MC and was ordered to stay at home/bedrest which i followed religously
# Baby birthdate shall be on 13.05.10. No 13 adalah terbalik dari tarikh wedding annivesary kami (31.05)
Next
# Called husband. Dia pun tergamam tapi delighted with the news
# Since husband temporarily berada di luar KL, saya tinggal di rumah kawan rapat sehingga keesokannya sebelum husband pulang. Thanks to cik kentang
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