Shoes

I guess no body knows how many shoes that he or she has through out her/his life.  I never had any log book on anything related to me, so suffice to say, this is not about my mathematical skill (he he, eventhough i memang bodoh maths.. i got D in my first year final examination on mathematics subjects), it's just i had too many shoes to be counted through out my whole life.  But i still remember my favourite or the most hated shoes that i had.

My common foot protector was always selipar jepun.  Various colour, various size but the price always remain the same (or with very little increment) in this 30 over years. I think selipar jepun suited me well as i was the kind of monster and nothing can last long enough, and not to forget it was the cheapest.  The longest life span for my selipar jepun was just few days and shortest was less than an hour (it was not my fault actually, i just tried to test my bicycle brake system and it happen that my selipar jepun and also one my nail be a victim).

Shoes that i hate most when i was kid was the red color shoes that i had at the age of 4.  I still have a photo of me wearing that red shoes with sour face.  It was 1 inch high, very feminine and very hard.  I guess it can break cat's teeth if they happen to knock themself with my shoes.  I must wear the shoes with flowery socks to make me looks feminine and mother will scold me if i refused.  I guess it was the starting points for me to hate high heels :-)

Then, another famous shoes was kasut sekolah. I never had any chance to wear any expensive brand.  The most expensive kasut sekolah i had was from Bata, the one with green color base.  There were few types of Kasut Bata sold during my school years but the one with green base or red base was always the cheapest.  I never know why mother always choose green color base for me, as i always imagine that green should be for boys and red for girls.  Sometimes when my parents had their financial constrain moments, they will buy me cheaper shoes without any brand.  There were one moment of shoes buying that i still remember until today when father brought me to buy kasut sekolah. Father bought me a very cheap kasut sekolah and he kept on apologizing to me as he can't afford to buy me a better one.  I was so sad at that time, looking at his solemn face, tried hard to convince him that i'm ok with his choice. 

During my university time, i had one shoes that i like most.  It was a passed on shoes.  I got it from my eldest brother and it wasnt a new condition when i received it. I was so fond on this shoes and i wore it for few years until it was totally worn out. I love this shoes very much and I kept it for a few more years before i had the gut to discard it.

Three years ago, i found my new love.. the shoes that i wear until today.  I bought this shoes (with 50% discount) about 3 years and 3 months back.  It is a sneaker type.  So i wore this shoes very fondly for almost everyday in these 3 years.  Work place, shopping, recreation, gym, travelling etc etc with only 2 exception; on my wedding day and whenever i went back to my mother inlaw's ( i tried to wear it once but my husband's niece asked me why i like to wear men's shoes.. ha ha).  What worried me is what is going to happen if one day the shoes's life span come to an end.  It will be a heart broken moment.  I could feel the time is coming nearer each day.  Last week i manage to force my husband to glue the shoes's base for me as it is almost tearing off from the main body.   So, it is just a matter of time.

Yesterday i just receive a birthday present from Cik Kentang, a shoes.. will it be my new love?  i will have to wait.. at the moment, i enjoy my girlish moment wearing this shoes.  Mekasih daun keladi.

 P/s:  to who ever that think i'm stingy.. no, i'm not.  I just the kind of stick to one :-)

Listless story

There is something similar between me and orang jaman dulu2. About birth date.  Many from our parents/grandparents generation do not know their actual birthday due to jaman perang, their kampung far from balai polis, fathers were not around during the birth of their children etc etc.  And  it's common if we heard that our parents is only 5 years younger than their own parents.. agak2 punya pasal. And I always heard orang tua2 kat kampung i said that they were born before or after bah besar.. so bah besar is one of the time line orang jaman dulu2 kat tempat i. 

For me, there is something funny about my birth date too. I actually have 2 birthdays in a year.  A real but unrecorded birth date and fake but recorded birthdate.  The first is always 3rd day before new year, where as the latter is always the third day after new year in every calendar year. 

Been born in our kampung house and since there was no proper registration needed during the labour process, father chose another birth date for me to be oficially registered in birth certificate for the reason i was so tiny when i was born and there was only 3 days left for that year.  Father was scared that i will be bullied when i start to go to school.  That was so true in his eyes at that moment without knowing i turned to be monster later on. Friends said  i was very lucky to born twice but it doesnt really matter to me.  But there are times that i wish that i had my real birth date on my birth certicificate, so that i could graduate a year earlier but most of the time i'm ok to be born a year later.  I dont really want to be one of my 1 year senior group in school.. it just not suited me well to be one of them.

Family and friends always remember my registered birtdate.  Husband also choose the registered date, even though i knew he knew it both.  The only person who never failed to wish me on my real birth date is my bestest buddy, Cik Kentang.

Today, again i have my real birthday.. a quiet birthday.  Without anyone notice except Cik Kentang.. I always love it this way.  Thanks God, for another granted year..Alhamdulillah.

Hari ini

Hari ini.. 7 hari terakhir tahun 2009.

Hari ini.. 7 hari pertama 1431 Hijrah.

2009 and 1430 Hijrah sebenarnya tahun yang agak istimewa & tahun yang agak menyedihkan.  Tahun di mana saya merasai kehilangan, tahun saya mula berhajat bertukar tempat kerja dan tahun yang mana kewangan saya bukan berada di tahap yang membanggakan.  Tapi, 2009 / 1430 Hijrah jugalah saya berjaya bangun bertatih selepas jatuh.  Tak teruk bukan.. sekurang2nya saya masih ada orang yang saya sayang & sayangkan saya di sekeliling

Hari ini.. saya berazam untuk belajar berjalan dan kemudian berlari untuk tahun2 akan datang.  Hari ini saya berazam akan terus bangun setiap kali saya jatuh. 

Harapan besar dan kecil saya untuk 2010 / 1431 Hijrah
1.  Happiness - Husband, extended family and friends
1. Anak
2. Tukar kerja
2. EOS 5D atau EOS 7D atau sekurang2nya EOS 50D :-)
3. Sambung belajar barangkali

Tapi apapun hari ini hari yang special.. 7 hari sebelum 2010 dan 7 hari selepas 1431 Hijrah.

Kisah kucing terbuang

Bermula dengan salah seorang penghuni di kawasan apartment saya. This young couple pada mulanya meng'adopt' satu family kucing ( ibu & dua anak yang ala2 berkasta tinggi iaitu half persian). Saya selalu mengintai dari bilik rumah saya & kadang2 saya feed dia orang kalau terserempak. Dalam 2 bulan lepas si ibu melahirkan lagi 4 ekor anak.

Suatu weekend saya perasan anak2 kucing ni menangis sepanjang masa dan saya juga perasan tuan kucing tiada di rumah sejak 2 hari sebelumnya. Saya pujuk husband untuk pergi investigate keadaan sebenar. Hasilnya kami nampak yang kucing2 ni di kurung di dalam cage kecik di luar balcony apartment dan si ibu kucing cuma dapat perhati anak2 dari luar. Bayangkan 2 hari tanpa air dan makanan. Saya nekad melepaskan anak2 kucing walaupun boleh di kira menceroboh territory jiran. Si ibu nampak cukup berterimakasih.

Si jiran yang teruk ni mengulangi lagi perangai buruk dia orang 3 minggu yang lepas. Dan tak lama selepas tu dia orang decide untuk melepaskan kucing2 berkeliaran di kawasan apartment. At the moment, anak kucing ni (4 ekor), kakak2 dia orang (2 ekor ) dan emak dia orong hidup atas simpati orang2 lain. Saya membekalkan makanan secara regular tetapi bagi saya tidak adil untuk kucing yang satu masa dulu di layan seperti raja (dulu siap dipakaikan dengan cat colar) tetapi tiba2 di biar mencari makan sendiri.. they look lost. Dan apa akan jadi kalau anak2 kucing ini di tangkap oleh management & di hantar entah ke mana2?

Moral dari sini: Apabila kita mula memikul tanggungjawab, jangan lah di lepas sewenang2nya sebab selagi ia membabitkan nyawa walaupun nyawa seekor haiwan, ia tetap nyawa.  Yang membezakan adalah kita di kurniakan akal fikiran yang kita boleh gunakan untuk membantu makhluk Tuhan yang lain.

Kisah Saya dan kucing

Saya boleh declare yang diri saya sebagai cat person. Sepanjang hidup, saya sentiasa di kelilingi kucing.

Lately hidup saya sedikit berubah.. harapnya perubahan yang sementara. Hari saya decide sampailah masa saya untuk berkeluarga, di hari itulah saya kena terima fact yang saya perlu melepaskan sepenuhnya kucing2 saya kepada kawan baik saya. Semua sebab kesihatan husband. Agak2nya kalau di tanya orang, itulah yang saya kira pengorbanan terbesar saya dalam hidup.

Yang menjadi mangsa adalah kawan baik saya yang terpaksa memikul tanggungjawab membela 15 ekor tinggalan saya beserta 3 lagi ekor yang di adopt oleh dia. Itulah pengorbanan dia yang terbesar pada saya. Baikkan kawan baik saya.. bagi saya, bukannya baik tetapi sangat baik. Terima kasih Cik Kucing (CK)

Update

Selepas hampir 2 bulan (53 days in exact), Saya sudah ok. Walau ada masanya saya masih struggle, tapi keperitan dah slowly berkurang. Maybe semua ini normal. Maybe semua ini di rasa oleh semua parents yang kehilangan anak. Tuhan hanya menguji mereka yang kuat untuk menerima ujianNya. Dan insyaallah saya sekuat itu.

Banyak soalan terjawab tetapi banyak juga yang masih menjadi teka teki. Saya rasa ada perkara yang perlu sebegitu.. biarlah masa menjawabnya. Yang pastinya penerimaan datang secara perlahan dan sudah sampai masa kami melihat ke depan dan yang paling penting adalah menyediakan diri kami untuk masa hadapan.

Dan saya pasti tak selamanya kami akan diuji.

Sebulan lepas saya bermimpikan anak saya.. mainan syaitan kah? Semoga ia datang dari Allah yang memakbulkan doa saya setiap kali selepas sembahyang. Ia mampu buat saya tersenyum kerana di beri peluang melihat wajah anak pertama kami. Kalaulah itu mainan syaitan, semoga satu hari Tuhan akan memakbulkan doa saya..

Coping

10 days after

Even though i never saw my baby, not even in the fetus form after he was taken out from me but believe me, i have already formed a bond with my baby in those 2 short weeks. I have felt the special connection from the moment Dr. N delivered me the news.

Then, all the excitement came to an abrupt end on 06.10.09.

Shock & denial. Guilt & anger. Depressed & despair.

I still could not answer the "WHY" question. And it may never be answered. Why me? Is it purely a test from Allah? Is it a punishment of all the wrong things that I have done before? How am I supposed to face my supposed to be baby arrival due date? And lots more.

I know husband is grieving too but he always had harder time expressing his feeling. Or maybe he's bottle up his emotions in an effort to be strong for me? Only he & Allah know. But at least we do not shut each other out. At least I still able to express my feeling to him.

Writing this doesn't mean that I blame anyone, far more blaming the fate from Allah but I'm trying to find a pure acceptance towards my loss in order to heal and move ahead. Please do not get me wrong.

Repeat dnc

Atas sebab2 yang saya sendiri tak faham, saya perlu menghadapi dnc buat kali kedua. Selepas sakit yang amat sangat, masuk ke ER lagi sekali, warded lagi sekali, berpuasa lebih dari 20jam akhirnya selesai.  Apalah malangnya nasib saya, sudahlah melayang RM3.5K di atas kecuaian doctor.

Hari ini, iaitu sehari selepas.. keadaan bukanlah seperti normal tapi i think inilah apa yang sepatutnya semua post-dnc patient selalu face. Sedikit tak selesa di sana sini tapi manageable. Wallahualam.

Meanwhile, rindu pada anak menebal.. paling terasa apabila bangkit dari tidur.

Selamat tinggal (07.10.09)

dnc (dilatation and curettage) procedure dijalankan. Ini bermakna baby's body was taken out from my body. Ini bermakna jasad kami berpisah secara rasminya. Selamat tinggal Imran Firdaus.  Mohon Allah memberikan saya kekuatan untuk hari2 mendatang.

Unwanted News (06.10.09)

Heavy bleeding yang berterusan. Kami berkejar ke ER dan dari ER di hantar ke klinik Dr. N. Apa yang saya paling takuti berlaku. Bayi kami telah meninggalkan. Hati saya tersentap. Berbagai persoalan timbul; di manakah silap saya? adakah saya bergerak terlalu banyak? atau adakah kami lambat ke hospital?
Dr. N tried to consoled me with lots of scientific facts like baby abnormality etc tapi tidak membantu dalam keadaan macam ni.
Husband tried to keep himself calm tapi saya berjuang seharian untuk meredhakan diri dengan pemergian anak kami. Terbayang2 degupan jantung baby yang baru saya lihat seminggu lepas. Maha Besar Allah.

Beberapa hari selepas (29.09.09)

Been warded akibat dari heavy bleeding reoccured. Stay di hospital selama 3 hari sebelum di benarkan balik.
Dr. N menyambung MC saya selama sebulan lagi & di atas nasihat Dr. N, saya akan memohon unpaid leave sehingga akhir dec nanti

Permulaan (25.09.09)

Appointment dengan Dr. N (gynae baru saya)

Dr N: Awak tak suspect apa2 yang awak pregnant?
Saya: [tergamam sesaat sebelum rasa overwhelming yang sesangat. Inilah berita yang kami tunggu2 sekian lama, cuma kali ini kami tak aware petanda2nya]
Dr N: Awak pregnant. Kiraan saiz janin tunjuk usia bayi 7 minggu
Saya: [ that was the most beautiful moment in life; berpeluang melihat heartbeat bayi]

Itu permulaan segalanya. Beberapa facts yang di bincang bersama Dr. N hari tu
# Baby was heartbeat clearly seen. Means he/she was in good condition
# BUT since my uterus was fully filled with blood clots (which was the initial reason why i had appointment with Dr. N), baby chances is 50-50. Risau memikirkan ini, sementelah lagi kami banyak travel dalam masa seminggu ni
# Given a week MC and was ordered to stay at home/bedrest which i followed religously
# Baby birthdate shall be on 13.05.10. No 13 adalah terbalik dari tarikh wedding annivesary kami (31.05)

Next
# Called husband. Dia pun tergamam tapi delighted with the news
# Since husband temporarily berada di luar KL, saya tinggal di rumah kawan rapat sehingga keesokannya sebelum husband pulang. Thanks to cik kentang